“You rest and I’ll keep the wolves away.”

I woke up today wanting to take risks. Thus the WFC was born….
Wedding Fight Club

The greek philosopher Epictetus once said,“If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself you should say: “He obviously does not know me very well, since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned” Tonight as I sit here overlooking the great planes of Saskatoon, Canada listening to Amy Seeley, those words have never rang more true. Damn, she gets to me. It has been a long day of traveling but more so it has been a long year. This journey, this path that I find myself on. And tonight I just feel tired. Frustrated. Human. Tired from constantly looking for that perfect balance of being what people expect of me and who I am really am. Frustrated that when I feel attacked and misunderstood Im not allowed to defend myself. “Turn the other cheek” has never really looked good on me to be honest. But most importantly, tonight I just feel outright human. Grateful to be working but wondering if I have thick enough skin for the monster known as the wedding industry.
Many of you reading this have probably been fortunate enough to never having been on the receiving end of an “anonymous” email. You know, the kind that tells you you are an ego maniac and the topic of all kinds of gossip tabloids. For that be thankful because though I try to come off as a bad ass, the truth is I have the unfortunate tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I always was a sensitive lad that way. You see, an artist, a true artist is more than the sum of his or her work. Who they are and what they bring to the table are in fact a direct reflection of what you feel when viewing their works, whatever that medium may be. We are more than a lucky shot or bad ass sneak peak or a nifty branding scheme. We are people. With emotions and life experiences and yes, even baggage. So when someone whom I have never met takes the time to drop me an anonymous and hateful email then I defend my right to be human. To react. To defend myself. To voice an opinion. You think I have an ego or that Im an ass or that I am arrogant. Fine. But you are not allowed to voice that opinion to me when we both know you have no idea who I am simply because we have never met.
I just recently finished Michael Moore’s amazingly entertaining autobiography and there is one particular moment he wrote of that really speaks to me tonight. One day as he was walking through the mall, not long after Fahrenheit 911 came out, a random gentleman walked by him and said “asshole” as he strolled on by. Michael who was never keen on defending himself had had enough and immediately demanded that the guy repeat what he just said. The man turned around and came face to face with Michael who quite calmly asked the man why he had just called him an asshole. The guy responded with “Well everyone knows you’re an asshole. Everyone has seen your Anti-American movies,” to which Michael asked “What about you? Have YOU seen my movies?” “Sheepishly the stranger admitted that in fact he had never seen any of Mr. Moore’s movies. Michael then began to explain that if he had actually sat and watched Fahrenheit 911 with an open mind he would have realized that indeed he has a great passion for our country which is why he was so angry when Mr. Bush blindly declared war. They actually sat down together, right there in the mall and had a full conversation and in the end the man apologized for having passed judgements based on others opinions and not his own.
You want to know something about me?   Twelve hours ago I left my home, my love, my two dogs, my left side of the bed to travel a few thousand miles to document someone else’s love story. I was home for a total of three days in the last 3 weeks and I am homesick. And I do this every. single. weekend. I say this because I really want people to know that this is so much more than a job. Its a sacrifice. Its time away from Addison. Lots and lots of time away from Addison. And I do this for us. Because I believe in what I am doing. Because even after all this I really do feel blessed but it all comes at a cost that unless you were in my shoes you could never really understand.
I dont feel successful. In fact most of the time I feel like a failure. I think my work at best is “pretty” when what I really want it to be is inspired. I’m a horrible business person. I take way too long to answer emails or return phone calls. Mainly because the few precious hours that I am home I just want to sleep, or play with my new puppy, or be with Addison. And then there are those times when you show up early to a wedding, shoot your ass off, stay late and put your heart and soul into an event only to have the bride say she is disappointed in the gallery because there weren’t more images of her boots or pictures of people actually putting their fingerprints on the sign in table. You are so excited to share the gallery and wait on pins and needles for that “We love them!!!” response that never comes.
There probably are wedding photographers out there that have never had a disappointed client and to them I say good for you. But for the rest of us here on earth its a harsh reality. Thankfully its not the death of us and hopefully we muster the strength to keep on keeping on. And then one day we are blessed enough to get a call that goes something like this. “Hey Clayton, its so great to get to talk to you. We are wedding photographers ourselves and we are ecstatic to have you photograph our wedding. On a side note I stumbled across that one blog (this is where I stop breathing) but we want you to know we are not the least bit phased by it. To be honest I have been in your shoes once and can sympathize. We have all the faith in you and cant wait to meet you.” Those my friends are the moments that give you hope in the human spirit. A small inkling of proof that not everyone finds joy in hateful and idle chatter.
Thankfully tomorrow is a new day. A new love story and a new chance to take risks in my work. To return to the joy of having the immense honor of documenting a true romance. And not pay mind to the fact that this will most certainly end up in a forum somewhere with a bunch of people debating on whether I am arrogant or not. These are my thoughts, my words. They come with the territory. All or nothing. And to those who say my opinions create controversy with my fans, I simply respond with this. My fans do not determine who I was yesterday, who I am today, or who I want to be tomorrow. May this rant be the epic image you came here to see.